On Halloween I was picking up some beer at Wal-mart. I don't like beer, don't really care for wal-mart, but was meeting my friends at the jewelry counter and as I walked by this necklace caught my attention from the corner of my eye. It was a silver medallion type piece with a thin gold chain. I didn't like the gold chain at all, but the medallion had a tree punched into it. I gasped when I saw what, to me, was the tree of life on a piece of jewelry.

This was the start of my dreams. I started to have dreams about the tree of life, sitting in this place, but blending with the general ideas of what I want to be conveyed from the painting. A little more each day. I guess if I really think about it, this all started back when I did my first painting of the spine and chakras. It just didn't seem like it was enough.

Since that day I found the tree of life engraving, everything has been coming together. I was ready to paint, but had to get through midterms first. I've straightened up the house, gotten out the paint supplies, laid the cover out on the floor, and should be all ready to paint.

Should. But I'm not. Without the children here I feel like I'm missing a huge part of me. I try to stay out of the house as much as I can when they are not here, but that is simply unrealistic. I'm going to have to get used to this at some point, so I might as well work on it now.

I just feel like I should not mix the low energy I feel right now with the energetic expression I want to emanate from the painting.

He was sad about it on the ride to grandma's, and cried a little, but told me he was going to wait until bedtime to cry. I told him Grandma is a good listener, and he could trust her if he needed to cry on her shoulder (he usually cries on mine). He did not take her up on it.

Since then, Andrew has cried a LOT about missing his Dad, and wishing he could see him before Thanksgiving. He asked me to find out if Jake could come sooner, and I asked him a few nights ago, but Jake said it is the best he can do and will be there for the week of Thanksgiving.

So, I called Vicky and spoke to her. I explained that it is hard to not sound angry sometimes when my child is hurting. I can only watch my child cry so many times before getting angry about it, and frankly tonight just plain broke my heart.

Andrew talked again about the day Jacob and I separated and we fought. He asked why we fought, and I had to explain it to him the best I could. I told him how I had waited all night for a phone call to know he was alright, and he never called so I was up the entire night worrying that he was in a car accident or something happened to him. Then I had to take care of him and Victoria that morning and afternoon by myself, still worried, grumpy, and tired, when his Dad finally came home. I explained that I did not just yell at him to get out. I told him I would not live in a marriage without love, and if he loved me and wanted to work on things we should do that, otherwise he should tell me he doesn't love me anymore and we should end it.

So Jake moved in with Jeff, and Andrew asked me why I didn't tell him his Dad wasn't ever coming back. I told him it was because I didn't know at the time. I was waiting for Jake to give me an answer. After a few days I got an email telling me he didn't love me and we should go live with Grammy and Poppy.

Andrew cried so hard, and I asked him if he remembered. He did. I tried to explain to him that I wanted things to work out with his Dad, but that God has three answers to our prayers, and none of them are NO. They are 1) yes 2) not yet, and 3)I have something better in mind. I told Andrew I believe God is telling us "I have something better in mind" and we have to try and be patient to find out what that is.

He cried some more, but not as hard. I reminded him that none of this had anything to do with him, except that he is hurting because of it. I also told him it doesn't mean his Dad doesn't love him, although I can't be sure he really believes me. He feels so hurt not to see him, and even more hurt that he doesn't get quality time with him when he does see him. Andrew is pretty smart. He asked if Victoria ever asked about Dad once she could talk, and I explained to her that Victoria really didn't know Jake that well before we separated. I did most of the caring for her, and she was just 3 months old at the time. Andrew added in that we really didn't see Jake for a while after that, either. I said I can understand how it was a little easier for him not to see him back then, but it must be harder to not see him now when he got used to seeing him every so often again.

Andrew realizes he was lucky to have an extra 3 years of living with his Dad than Victoria did, but I think he also realizes it doesn't hurt her to not see Jake like it does him. I'm not sure if he was looking for her thoughts on it to see if he was normal to miss Jake, or if he was jealous that she didn't seem to be hurting like he was. I really don't know. Tonight was not the time to bring that one up, but I might think about asking him sometime in the future. He'll have to start the conversation, though, cause I hate to bring this kind of stuff up.

So we both had a good cry tonight. Andrew in my arms, and me over my computer, wondering how God can let a child as loving and kindhearted as my son hurt as badly as he is... and for so long.

On a positive note, I'm thankful to be the safe place Andrew can come to talk about his feelings and let out his stresses. Without that, I honestly think he would be on medication for childhood depression or an angry child who takes it out on others. I'm not sure which, and am thankful for that.

I'm also thankful that Victoria does not also have to go through all the memories and pain Andrew does. Not that she doesn't feel the effects, and miss her step-brother, but not nearly as much as Andrew does. Overall, she is a really happy little girl.

I am also thankful for the amazing day I had otherwise. We learned about several categories in Thompson lab today, which was GREAT! I got a new patient adjusted, finished a case review, and setup report of findings' for two of my other new patients tomorrow. I also had a healthier version of potato salad that tasted the same as Mom's, and I did it from scratch. The kids loved it, too.

Maybe the part of "I have something better in mind" is the closeness I have with Andrew. I do think about that sometimes. We probably would not be nearly as close if Jake and I were still together. We would not be under chiropractic care, and would probably still be eating fast food and pizza most of the time. Ugh. Imagine where Victoria would be in all that. Drugged up and sickly. Maybe God does have something better in mind and we just have to change our mind about it all. Anyway, it's a start.

Jacob emailed me to let me know pickup would be around 6pm Friday evening. But Friday afternoon, I got a text saying he was not going to make it that night but would be there in the morning just after breakfast.

Andrew was upset about it, but handled it well. Victoria was upset because she wanted to see Lincoln that night, but was also upset at the same time because she was not ready to leave me. I tried to explain to her that now she would only not see me one day (Sunday). She eventually calmed down, and fell asleep cuddling.

Sunday morning Andrew asked where Jacob was around 9am. I said I did not know but would text him to find out. Jacob said they would not be there until sometime after 12 (ended up being around 1pm instead). I told him I had plans that afternoon so he would have to meet us there, since the kids would have to come with me. They also called after I had already left the house, asking me to feed them lunch so they could just go. I told them I would order them something since we were not at home.

The kids came back on Monday around 11am, and had a good time camping. I had left them with a package of all natural marshmallows so they could roast some. Victoria was asleep when they got home, but woke up and was glad to be home (although she missed Lincoln, of course).

Tonight Andrew and I had a talk. I told him I was worried about him, because I can feel it when he is sad and wish he would tell me so he could let it out. He asked why I thought that. I told him that when he told me about how his Dad was too busy to spend time with him when he visited, but that he still wanted to live with him I thought about why that would be.

I asked him if the reason he wanted to live with Jake was because he thought that eventually he would have to make the time for him, because he didn't do it when he visits. Andrew's eyes welled up with tears, he wrapped his arms around me, and cried that it was true. He cried for almost 10 minutes! I asked him if he had been feeling this way for a long time, and he said he was.

Even though Andrew goes to Jake's and has a good time playing with his sister and Vicky (he doesn't really play with Lincoln unless they encourage it), what he really wants is for Jake to pay some good attention to him and do things with him.

I have been trying my best to make sure Andrew grows up knowing how amazing, smart, loving, handsome, special, and loved he is. But it hurts to know he is so desperate to get it from his father. What outright angers me is that Jake and Vicky push to get the kids for what, two weeks or more during the summer, and Andrew comes back still not having gotten to spend time with his father... which is all he really wants.

It keeps getting harder and harder to forgive Jake when he keeps hurting the kids by not showing up when he says he will, and not spending quality time with Andrew when he is there. Victoria really doesn't care much either way, she loves her baby brother. When she talks about missing them, it is either about "Vicky's house" or about Lincoln. For Andrew, it is all about Jake.

I wish there was something I could do to make him realize there isn't anything he can to do make Jacob spend time with him. And I really wish there was something I could to do mend his precious heart.

On a positive note, Andrew is a BEAUTIFUL swimmer. The kids started level 3 swimming lessons, which focuses on diving and improving swimming techniques. They work for two hours a week in the deep end of the pool, and have a great time doing it. Thursday they are going to start using eye-only goggles, rather than the ones that cover their eyes and nose. The teacher is going to teach them that by humming in the water they can utilize rhythmic breathing and will not get so tired.

Andrew told me tonight that he really loves swimming, and is thinking about joining a team. I am surprised! After summer break, I thought Victoria would be the one to love it more. :)

On a more positive note, Jacob text me yesterday to let me know he is picking up the kids on Friday. I text him back to let him know the kids are going to be very excited, but he never wrote me back. Andrew is doing better now. I reminded Andrew that just because his and Lincoln's birthday parties are going to be different, it does not mean he is loved more. I also reminded Andrew that 1 year old birthday parties are more for the family of the 1 year old, since they don't know what is going on yet. He smiled at that, so that is good. I also reminded him of the birthday party he had at Sparkles, where he was able to invite and play with all his friends.

I think Andrew is going to be okay. He is such an amazing and loving boy. He really enjoyed karate last night... learning new stances, punches, kicks, and learning about the values that go along with it all. This should better build his self-confidence. First day: he yelled so quietly last night as though he were unsure of himself. Can't wait to watch him transform over time!

Victoria also had a great time last night. She was loud and confident and had a great time in the youngest class. They had a lot of fun, and we got to play dodgeball with them. When we tagged the kids, they had to do pushups before they could play again. :) I am hoping karate helps her with better focus and concentration.

As for me, I'll be okay. Thinking about seriously talking to Mom and Dad about having Pop Pop live with the kids and I. I really think he would enjoy it, and it would also be nice to have someone to talk to when I come home. It can be really lonely single parenting. I can talk to the kids, but not about everything. And over the last four years, my friends have changed dramatically as I have settled down quite a bit. Jackie still remains, but all the partiers from when I didn't have the kids with me are now acquaintences I pass in the hallways. Basically, I think it would be a symbiotic relationship... which is necessary.