Wednesday, August 19, 2009
♥ Charles, Jackie, and Rocky
I've been friends with Jackie since the first quarter down here, and we have been further apart sometimes than at other times. The problems really started for us after Charles and I broke up and he wanted to hang out with Jackie. She apparently did not go with the rule of not talking to the ex of your close friend. It really ticked her off when I had a hard time dealing with their friendship. Add to that Rocky now considered hanging out with Charles too fun to pass up.
Yes, yes Charles is a fun guy. No doubt about that. But us both being friends with Jackie and Rocky makes it difficult for either one of us to get over the other. I think this was part of the problem for Charles. He was still hanging out with Jackie and Rocky, who were talking about hanging out with me and he didn't like being left out of the group. So I think he THOUGHT he was still in love with me, but really just didn't like being left out. During these times, he told me how he loved me and thought I was the one. He came over to my house at 3am, whining about why I'm with someone else and not him. Same old, same old.
I think this got to me. Afterall, when we were together we did have some good points. And it is easy to look back on those good points and think, "well maybe we should give this another try and it might work." The thing that bothered me the most is that I could no longer talk to him. It was my decision, really, but I did not want to cut ties completely. I never do. I always want to have some sort of connection with people, and it hurts a lot when I don't.
Then when I talked to Charles about wanting him in my life again, even just as friends, he stopped talking to me! And he was hanging out more often with Jackie and Rocky, talking to them a lot, but would blow me off and act like an ass. Then I started feeling more like Charles was feeling being left out. I was thinking "what's wrong with me that I'm not good enough to be friends with" or "what could I have possibly done to have made him so angry with me" and I wanted to fix it.
But you know what? There really is nothing to fix! I had been going to Dr. Ciafone, and he was actually the one to connect my health issues to all the emotional junk called my social life. I thought he had cleared it, so I would be okay if I didn't talk to Charles and he didn't talk to me. But when Jackie told me she was picking him up from the airport yesterday, I was angry and upset and couldn't let it go. She pointed out that my anger was in the wrong direction.
I told her I could not be friends with her or Rocky when they are friends with Charles. I figured leave the choice up to them who they prefer to be friends with, and let things be the way they should. She thought I was over-reacting, but I explained to her that it hurt too much to know he was hanging out with her and didn't consider me worth having as a friend. I just could not deal with it.
When I went to Dr. Ciafone (Dr. Rob) this morning, he established the problem was not actually Charles, but that the relationship ending could actually be for good. He related it back to when Poppy died, and our relationship coming to an end. Then he treated me for that, and I am okay with our relationship being final. I knew I wanted it to be last night, when I removed him, Jackie, Rocky, and his family from my phone, email, facebook, and myspace pages.
I think I did go a bit overboard with telling Jackie I could no longer be friends with her if she's friends with Charles. I didn't tell Rocky the same thing, but I did tell him I think it's best if we continue not hanging out/talking because he was not doing great in relation to Jackie being there with me not around, and I was doing better with him not trying for force his ideas about me and Charles down my throat.
Jackie and I have been friends for a long time, and to let Charles get in the way of that would probably be a not so great idea. But I still get the feeling, after she cut me off mid-conversation last night to fall asleep on me, and I saw Rocky in the hall at school today (and he knew everything - apparently from Charles) that she had already chosen Charles. But only time will tell. I do not plan on re-starting the conversation with her. She will have to do it.
Instead I am focusing on what I've got going on here at home, with school, and with people who are more my age and settled down. People I have more in common with. Besides school, I really did not have a whole lot in common with either one. Jackie was our common denominator between Rocky and I, and that did not turn out well.
It's time for me to focus on ME, and the relationship in my life that has a chance. I'm glad I decided to give it one, rather than just freak out and let it fall apart. Still no promises it is going to work out, but trying is better than not.
Yes, yes Charles is a fun guy. No doubt about that. But us both being friends with Jackie and Rocky makes it difficult for either one of us to get over the other. I think this was part of the problem for Charles. He was still hanging out with Jackie and Rocky, who were talking about hanging out with me and he didn't like being left out of the group. So I think he THOUGHT he was still in love with me, but really just didn't like being left out. During these times, he told me how he loved me and thought I was the one. He came over to my house at 3am, whining about why I'm with someone else and not him. Same old, same old.
I think this got to me. Afterall, when we were together we did have some good points. And it is easy to look back on those good points and think, "well maybe we should give this another try and it might work." The thing that bothered me the most is that I could no longer talk to him. It was my decision, really, but I did not want to cut ties completely. I never do. I always want to have some sort of connection with people, and it hurts a lot when I don't.
Then when I talked to Charles about wanting him in my life again, even just as friends, he stopped talking to me! And he was hanging out more often with Jackie and Rocky, talking to them a lot, but would blow me off and act like an ass. Then I started feeling more like Charles was feeling being left out. I was thinking "what's wrong with me that I'm not good enough to be friends with" or "what could I have possibly done to have made him so angry with me" and I wanted to fix it.
But you know what? There really is nothing to fix! I had been going to Dr. Ciafone, and he was actually the one to connect my health issues to all the emotional junk called my social life. I thought he had cleared it, so I would be okay if I didn't talk to Charles and he didn't talk to me. But when Jackie told me she was picking him up from the airport yesterday, I was angry and upset and couldn't let it go. She pointed out that my anger was in the wrong direction.
I told her I could not be friends with her or Rocky when they are friends with Charles. I figured leave the choice up to them who they prefer to be friends with, and let things be the way they should. She thought I was over-reacting, but I explained to her that it hurt too much to know he was hanging out with her and didn't consider me worth having as a friend. I just could not deal with it.
When I went to Dr. Ciafone (Dr. Rob) this morning, he established the problem was not actually Charles, but that the relationship ending could actually be for good. He related it back to when Poppy died, and our relationship coming to an end. Then he treated me for that, and I am okay with our relationship being final. I knew I wanted it to be last night, when I removed him, Jackie, Rocky, and his family from my phone, email, facebook, and myspace pages.
I think I did go a bit overboard with telling Jackie I could no longer be friends with her if she's friends with Charles. I didn't tell Rocky the same thing, but I did tell him I think it's best if we continue not hanging out/talking because he was not doing great in relation to Jackie being there with me not around, and I was doing better with him not trying for force his ideas about me and Charles down my throat.
Jackie and I have been friends for a long time, and to let Charles get in the way of that would probably be a not so great idea. But I still get the feeling, after she cut me off mid-conversation last night to fall asleep on me, and I saw Rocky in the hall at school today (and he knew everything - apparently from Charles) that she had already chosen Charles. But only time will tell. I do not plan on re-starting the conversation with her. She will have to do it.
Instead I am focusing on what I've got going on here at home, with school, and with people who are more my age and settled down. People I have more in common with. Besides school, I really did not have a whole lot in common with either one. Jackie was our common denominator between Rocky and I, and that did not turn out well.
It's time for me to focus on ME, and the relationship in my life that has a chance. I'm glad I decided to give it one, rather than just freak out and let it fall apart. Still no promises it is going to work out, but trying is better than not.
♥ Live life with love.
12:14 PM
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12:14 PM
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