Thursday, October 22, 2009

He was sad about it on the ride to grandma's, and cried a little, but told me he was going to wait until bedtime to cry. I told him Grandma is a good listener, and he could trust her if he needed to cry on her shoulder (he usually cries on mine). He did not take her up on it.

Since then, Andrew has cried a LOT about missing his Dad, and wishing he could see him before Thanksgiving. He asked me to find out if Jake could come sooner, and I asked him a few nights ago, but Jake said it is the best he can do and will be there for the week of Thanksgiving.

So, I called Vicky and spoke to her. I explained that it is hard to not sound angry sometimes when my child is hurting. I can only watch my child cry so many times before getting angry about it, and frankly tonight just plain broke my heart.

Andrew talked again about the day Jacob and I separated and we fought. He asked why we fought, and I had to explain it to him the best I could. I told him how I had waited all night for a phone call to know he was alright, and he never called so I was up the entire night worrying that he was in a car accident or something happened to him. Then I had to take care of him and Victoria that morning and afternoon by myself, still worried, grumpy, and tired, when his Dad finally came home. I explained that I did not just yell at him to get out. I told him I would not live in a marriage without love, and if he loved me and wanted to work on things we should do that, otherwise he should tell me he doesn't love me anymore and we should end it.

So Jake moved in with Jeff, and Andrew asked me why I didn't tell him his Dad wasn't ever coming back. I told him it was because I didn't know at the time. I was waiting for Jake to give me an answer. After a few days I got an email telling me he didn't love me and we should go live with Grammy and Poppy.

Andrew cried so hard, and I asked him if he remembered. He did. I tried to explain to him that I wanted things to work out with his Dad, but that God has three answers to our prayers, and none of them are NO. They are 1) yes 2) not yet, and 3)I have something better in mind. I told Andrew I believe God is telling us "I have something better in mind" and we have to try and be patient to find out what that is.

He cried some more, but not as hard. I reminded him that none of this had anything to do with him, except that he is hurting because of it. I also told him it doesn't mean his Dad doesn't love him, although I can't be sure he really believes me. He feels so hurt not to see him, and even more hurt that he doesn't get quality time with him when he does see him. Andrew is pretty smart. He asked if Victoria ever asked about Dad once she could talk, and I explained to her that Victoria really didn't know Jake that well before we separated. I did most of the caring for her, and she was just 3 months old at the time. Andrew added in that we really didn't see Jake for a while after that, either. I said I can understand how it was a little easier for him not to see him back then, but it must be harder to not see him now when he got used to seeing him every so often again.

Andrew realizes he was lucky to have an extra 3 years of living with his Dad than Victoria did, but I think he also realizes it doesn't hurt her to not see Jake like it does him. I'm not sure if he was looking for her thoughts on it to see if he was normal to miss Jake, or if he was jealous that she didn't seem to be hurting like he was. I really don't know. Tonight was not the time to bring that one up, but I might think about asking him sometime in the future. He'll have to start the conversation, though, cause I hate to bring this kind of stuff up.

So we both had a good cry tonight. Andrew in my arms, and me over my computer, wondering how God can let a child as loving and kindhearted as my son hurt as badly as he is... and for so long.

On a positive note, I'm thankful to be the safe place Andrew can come to talk about his feelings and let out his stresses. Without that, I honestly think he would be on medication for childhood depression or an angry child who takes it out on others. I'm not sure which, and am thankful for that.

I'm also thankful that Victoria does not also have to go through all the memories and pain Andrew does. Not that she doesn't feel the effects, and miss her step-brother, but not nearly as much as Andrew does. Overall, she is a really happy little girl.

I am also thankful for the amazing day I had otherwise. We learned about several categories in Thompson lab today, which was GREAT! I got a new patient adjusted, finished a case review, and setup report of findings' for two of my other new patients tomorrow. I also had a healthier version of potato salad that tasted the same as Mom's, and I did it from scratch. The kids loved it, too.

Maybe the part of "I have something better in mind" is the closeness I have with Andrew. I do think about that sometimes. We probably would not be nearly as close if Jake and I were still together. We would not be under chiropractic care, and would probably still be eating fast food and pizza most of the time. Ugh. Imagine where Victoria would be in all that. Drugged up and sickly. Maybe God does have something better in mind and we just have to change our mind about it all. Anyway, it's a start.