Sunday, August 16, 2009

I know the separation and divorce had a big effect on me, and it was very obvious Andrew grieved right alongside me. Some nights he would be crying about it, other nights I would. Back then I felt like I had to make up for him not having both parents that I would let him stay up later to spend time with me. Lucky for us all my Mom clued me in that it was not good for me or the kids.

This whole experience made Andrew and I very close. He still to this day knows instinctively when I'm having a rough time, even when I don't say anything and will make sure he is around for extra hugs and assistance. And I can tell when he has something on his mind that he needs to talk about. They are the only times he wakes up with nightmares or comes into my room in the middle of the night to cuddle.

But for what would seem like obvious reasons, I never really thought Victoria would have been affected that much by all this. She didn't truly know what a Dad was other than hearing Andrew call him that. When we went to visit Steve in Rhode Island before we moved, she insisted Steve was her Daddy because she heard Liam call him that, and throughout the entire week's vacation he treated all the kids he knew like they were his own.

I've been to several different docs regarding Victoria over the years, and a handful of them all say she has some emotional stuff going on. Grief being the one that strikes me. She was one of the happiest babies I've ever seen, and is almost always smiling. Would that really make sense?

Then I thought about it. I smile a lot in a day. Big, happy smiles. But I don't always feel as amazing as people think I do with the smile on. It's like the day after Melissa's wedding when I didn't have other shoes so I had to wear my heels. I smiled and talked with everyone, and someone admired how I could stand wearing heels after doing it all the day before. I told her that honestly my feet were killing me, but I wasn't going to look miserable all day because of it.

So the possibility is there. I can't explain it that it would make sense, but I know she needs me more than she should at this stage in her development. Most people think she just started Kindergarten when they see her in public, because she is ALWAYS looking back at me and making sure I will still be there.

This makes me step back and take a look at what kind of things happened throughout Victoria's life, including in-utero.

- I spent many nights locked out of our bedroom, so Jake could have "alone time", sleeping on the couch. I'd knock trying to get in, and he still wouldn't open the door, and I'd go to sleep crying.

- what nights I wasn't locked out of the room, I spent awake and worried Jake was dead in a ditch somewhere. He had gone out with his buddies, and would not call or come home.

- 6 months in-utero, I had enough. I'd asked him to call at the very least and he didn't. I left for his Mom's house with Andrew, and stayed for a week. Judy tried to help figure out what his problem was, and he claimed stress about the war. I came back to support him.

- three months old, the kids and I visited my family. Jake kept making excuses for not being able to pick us up. Mom and Dad suspected something was up and were going to drive us all the way back down. He met us halfway, and kissed me on the cheek... twice.

- that same week, I had picked Jake up from work and took Andrew to play with the neighbor boy. I had asked Jake to get Victoria out of the car, since she was still sleeping and it was too hot outside. When I had come back, wondering why she wasn't awake yet, she was not in her crib. She was still in the car, screaming and crying her little eyes out. He had left her there. I was furious and upset, she could have died in there! She was obviously upset as well.

- a few days later, we came home from work and I went to say hello to the neighbor for a few minutes. When I came back to make dinner, Jake was gone. He didn't come back until 1pm the next day. No phone call, none of his friends answered their phones either. I told Jake I didn't want to live in a loveless marriage and if he didn't love me he needed to say it and it's over. If he did, we needed to work on things. He told me to shut up, and that I didn't know what I was talking about. I then yelled at him that I did know and that he needed to get out. I called his base and told them to get their Marine. They told me he could not live on base, but could live with a friend. So he went to stay with Jeff. The following Monday, I got the email saying he hadn't loved me in over a year. I should pack the kids and what I could fit in the car and go live with my parents.

- Victoria bonded with my parents when we lived with them from 1.5 to 2.5, and when we moved to Georgia she was very angry with me about leaving her Grammy.

- things I had said during my own period of grief were about how I didn't understand. If he didn't love me, why did he want us to have another baby. I said I didn't want another one, but

he convinced me. I thought what I said in front of my 3 month old didn't affect her. I think I may have been wrong.

Victoria gets plenty of exercise, eats WAY healthier than most children do, is in a loving household, and yet gets sick and things affect her much easier. Andrew is in the same environment and is strong as a horse. Nothing gets him down, and he is hardly ever sick. Same environment, opposite ends of the health spectrum. Why? Emotional component is all that is left.

Studies have shown that emotional and physical stresses manifest the SAME way in the body. This is a known fact these days, not just some mumbo jumbo. The part that astonishes me is the possibility of how our lives have affected the life of my daughter, the one we thought would not be harmed from any of this.

I can talk to Andrew about it all. We have been doing that since day one. In fact, last night Andrew talked to me about missing his Dad. I asked him if he really got to spend a lot of time with his Dad, rather than with Vicky, when he was there. He said no. He would always ask his Dad to do something with him, and he kept saying not now, not now, and never say why. He was pretty upset about it. Andrew had a really good cry in my arms last night, and I know that was good for him because he was able to get it out! Keeping those feelings in is what really causes trouble.

But with Victoria, I don't even know where to start. She never talks about missing Jake. Not once in her life has she said I miss Daddy. She is mostly concerned about being alone at the end of the day, and I sing to her. She is almost always out within 5 minutes of singing, no matter what the song. Sometimes I'll try to talk to her about anything that might be on her mind, but she just gets wild and crazy and wound up with her creative imagination rather than talking about anything she may be feeling.

So if I were to have anymore children, I'd certainly be more aware of my baby's environment and make sure it is a positive, happy, and secure place to be. I'd always be talking to my baby and telling him/her how much they are loved and I can't wait to see them. I did that with her as it was, but obviously her environment was not saying the same thing.

I think going to Dr. Rob was a wise choice. He has helped me considerably, as subluxation is not just about the physical component. I could be adjusted every day for the rest of my life, but is it really necessary? Probably not. Some say subluxation is the CAUSE of dis-ease in the body. I think STRESS is the cause of dis-ease in the body. Subluxation is a state of adaptation to that stress, which of course should be fixed... but we must ALSO address the cause of the stress.

Is that stress physical, chemical, or emotional? If the stress was physical is there still muscle memory of it? Is the patient aware of the traumatic or repetitive stress on the body and ready to correct it and, if possible, prevent it? If the stress was chemical, is the body clearing it from the system and is the patient ready to accept responsibility for the types and quality of food ingested? And if the stress is emotional, is the patient going to find a way to release those emotions? If the patient is unaware of those emotions, will they allow someone to help identify them?

For me personally, I know I'm going to continue to see Dr. Rob. I am also going to really take a step into the world of NET (neuro-emotional technique) and see what more I can learn. And when I'm done, I'd like to delve into the world of NMT (neuro-modular technique). I'd like to continue learning activator, take advanced toggle before I graduate, and learn SOT (sacro-occipital technique). They make a lot of sense for different reasons.

This whole experience has basically told me several things:

a) there are a lot of "idiopathic" diseases in the medical world

b) maybe these things are related to emotional and/or chemical stresses

c) it is time to make a change