Sunday, August 16, 2009

For example, I thought Andrew was worried about Lincoln being born for a totally different reason than he did. Andrew was in tears one night because he was afraid the baby would have half blond, half black hair. I would not have come to that conclusion without asking open ended questions, and making him feel safe to tell me what is on his mind.

After Lincoln was born, things started to change. Andrew was not sleeping through the night and I knew he had a lot on his mind. So I tried to talk to him, but he was too stressed to let it out. I would give it a few days, and try again. He told me he wanted to live with his Dad, and I asked him why. He said he missed him, but I really didn't see this as being much different from before.

It finally came out that he was jealous his baby brother got to live with his Dad and he didn't. This was the first time Andrew had ever told me he wanted to live with Jake, so of course my heart dropped. But I put it aside, and worked on figuring out what it was Andrew was looking for.

He brought it up again shortly after that, saying he still wanted to live with Jake, but he did it in front of Victoria. She was devastated when she heard him say it, and cried. I told him I understand how he misses his Dad, but was he really willing to leave his sister and I to be with him? Andrew said yes. This upset Victoria even more.

I explained to Andrew that when Jake and I divorced we went to court to decide who the kids were supposed to live with. It was decided it was in their best interest to live with me, and that is the way it was for his first 8 years. I told him he has always missed his Dad, so I did not understand why now he wanted to live with him and was willing to hurt his sister in the process.

Andrew explained to me that he wants to see him more, so I told him he needs to tell his Dad this. He was too afraid to tell him, because he didn't know what he would say in return. So I told Andrew I would be there for him while he did it. When we called Jake, we did it together on speakerphone. Andrew couldn't do it, and told him I could say it so I did and asked Andrew if that was how he felt. Jake told him he didn't have to worry, and that anytime Andrew wanted to see him all he had to do is call. Jake and I talked about him coming to visit every month-6weeks.

This was okay until about February, when they did not come see the kids again until mid-late May. I had offered the week of spring break to Jake, and he showed no interest so they asked to see Grandma and their cousins and I said yes. Judy took the kids to Jake's at the end of that week, which was the only time he saw them from February until May.

After that, Jacob talked about wanting the kids for a month, but only if I would pay him for childcare. Then it turned into the entire summer, if I would pay for childcare. Switching roles was even suggested. I would not have a problem with the kids staying with Jake for so long if certain criteria were met:

a) Jake would show that he is making an effort to see the kids, not just when it is easy but when the kids want to see him. The kids need to know they are important to him, and just as important as Lincoln.

b) Jake could be consistent with visiting the kids, for example - every 3rd weekend of the month or a weekend every 6 weeks.

c) Telephone conversations with me either nightly prior to bed or bi-nightly.

d) Jake would have to agree to making their lifestyle there comparable to our lifestyle here so they can adjust better. Especially for Victoria, who does not adjust well to being away from me for long periods of time.

Basically, long term summer vacation plans need to be worked into. After the first part of their summer vacation, Andrew came back sunburnt. His legs were reddish-purple and peeling, and his face was bright red as well. The kids were allowed to remove their life jackets on Jake's boat, which came out on vacation with my parents, when Victoria asked for help removing her life jacket once we got to our fishing spot.

As far as Andrew living with his Dad, which came up again last night, I do not think it is in his best interest at this moment. Andrew is a tough boy, but needs a lot of hugs and cuddling. He needs to talk out how he feels with someone when he can't sleep at night. The environment at Jake and Vicky's is very strict (so am I, but with love) and hard on him. Not only that, but Andrew wants to spend quality time with Jake and is hoping that all the not now's will eventually happen. If Jake isn't giving him the quality time he needs when he has him for a weekend, a week, or even two - how hurt is Andrew going to be living with him on a full time basis and not feeling like he is in a safe enough environment to talk about it?

That is what I think as far as Andrew is concerned. As far as Victoria is concerned, these two children should NOT be separated. Certainly not while they are in their developing years. Victoria and Andrew BOTH thrive on each other's companionship, and after coming back from vacation Andrew admitted he missed having Victoria with him, and it was not the same as what he thought it would be without her.

Victoria already told Andrew she does not want to live with Jake all the time. I think the best thing for both children would be to wait until Andrew is 16 and Victoria is 13. Both of them will be teenagers, I will be well done with school by then and we will be in our normal environment surrounded by family again. If Andrew wants to live with his Dad at that time, and is able to stand up for himself and tell his Dad what he thinks and wants without fear of what he is going to say, he should be able to go. By that time, Victoria will be old enough to better deal with it if he decides that is what he wants to do.

Jake called me today, saying he may not be able to take the kids next weekend for Lincoln's birthday. He said he can't come get them Friday because he has to setup for the party. I told him Andrew would be heartbroken if he does not get to go, but I have plans that weekend so he will have to come get them, and prepare for the party on Thursday night. We will see what happens, but I sure hope Jake makes the right decision and gets the kids.

Until then, I stand by my decision. Even though he misses his Dad, I know it is the best thing for him.